Have You Ever?

Have you ever wished you are better than what you are now?

Have you ever wished you got all you ever wanted without settling for less than you deserve?

Have you ever craved to be loved, cared for and understood by everyone around you?
Have you ever cried and wished the tears could wash away your pain and make you feel hale and hearty?

Have you ever cried while you smiled?
Have you ever hated what you should have loved?
Have you ever disowned a friend to gain an enemy?
Have you ever seen life’s contradictions?
Have you ever tried to end it all ’cause no one believes in your prowess and even the least person you expect also looks down on you?

This is not the unsung songs-they were simply unheard;
This is not a strange occurrence-they are hidden truth;
Life’s contradictions-clouds without water!
Life’s contradictions-streams without pool!
Life’s contradictions-snails without shell.
Life’s contradictions-hearts without love.
Have you ever wished for more?

Goodbye Cut! 

I Saw those thin small lines on my hands and those scars brought back dark memories.
.
Rumminate how I cried myself to sleep everynight
Depression was always there to haunt
Words in my head ever ready to taunt
Everything about me was odd and I knew I wasn’t sound
Voices screaming in my head to “end it all now!”

Suicidal thoughts gives you many option, but the most suitable was to cut.
It wasn’t exigent like some vigorous sport
All I need was just some sharps to make the big cut.
My first attempt wasn’t bad when I tried
I couldn’t feel the pain though I cried.
Gave it a second try again and I bled like a dye
Blood red like crimson flowed
But I didn’t give a damn.
It was becoming an addiction
But I didn’t care!

My blood flowing
With a pleasing feeling
As I watched the blood oozing through my parted skin
What a great feeling
A means of escape from my emotional feelings
How good it feels when the edge of the blade kisses that skin with the lie that:
It relieves the emotional pain.

I never knew I was rapidly relapsing
The next morning bath, a burning sensation that stings
Through the blade-scratched skin
It always felt so warm and a bit refreshing
I couldn’t have asked for anything more
Slitting my skin open was an escape route
An escape route from the moment;
An escape route to deceive all that “I’m fine”

Stepping out to face the world was a tedious task
The scars always too visible to hide
Long sleeves and jackets helps disguise
I’ll say “I’m comfortable in it” even in a hot class.
Cutting is a fiend but I never knew
I felt it was a way to be free from every guile
Addictive, but I never understood
Self destructive, but no one gave me a clue.

“Who will save me from myself?”
I often wailed within
I hide and cry and promise to ditch the Bitch
But yet again I find myself constantly going back to cut
Watching the blood oozing till it clots
I pick my phone and make a call
Maybe I’ll feel distracted for a while
But I find myself slitting the sharps through at the statement “I’m fine”

How much longer do I have to see you as a reliever?
How much longer do I have to leave those sharps and yet again turn back to it for solace?
Now I know I’m addicted to a silly way of life
But how can I condemn what brings me solace?
I craved to be free from me, but possibilities were eluded from me.

After my failed attempts to stop;
I was really hurt!
Cutting was my way of coping,
Ignorantly destroying myself gradually.
I never knew I didn’t worth to be in a self-destructive gloom
I wish I knew better then than to believe the lie of my feelings
I wish I knew earlier that I can fight the faceless enemy within
I wish I knew I’m stronger than the voices in my head.
But now I realize it’s never too late to break free!

Dear one,
You are your own voice and it’s time to face the faceless enemy. Trying to stop cutting is like trying to stop living. You free your pain and hurt at the sight of the oozing blood and your only faith of relief is in that scratch you leave on your skin. But gradually, you’re destroying yourself. Self destruction is what you are into and given your life to it and making yourself believe: its the only option or purpose you have.
It’s time to let the past go because you don’t have to live in it anymore!
Put the blade down because you know you’re worth it!
Find hope in the place of hurt!

It’s the best way you know to survive, but can you look beyond the joy and said relief and see a more perfect help?
You don’t deserve the cuts you make. Let the past remain as a scar for you to move forward with a better hope because there’s always hope out there for you.Save yourself from a heart full of pain and sorrow and see reasons to live another day with joy of being a survivor!

I eventually knew I didn’t have to pull such silly stunts to survive.
I understood my perfect help was and is God
He was always on guard, though I Was too blinded to see Him.
To see you happy is His joy
Life in him is tangled with joy
And I’m glad I can now move on despite my scars and introduce Him to you too!
My scars leaves a sign to tell of who I used to be. I stare at it today and smile at the thought of the great survivor I’ll always be.

I look forward to a day we will all look at our scars and boldly say: Goodbye cut!

Photo Credit: picturequotes.com

Inspired by: beautifulkindofthoughts

Suicidal Needs Your Help

Have you ever heard someone say “I feel like committing suicide?” I know your response will be “what’s my business with that? It’s your life go and do as you please”.

I’ve heard so many blames on suicidals . We see them as people who are heartless, mad, stupid, demonic or even possessed.
Maybe they are, maybe they’re not, we can only tell if we are in their shoes.

Listening to people who attempted suicide, it was terrible for them. They had so many things in consideration, but that was the only solution and way of escape they could think of at that moment. They had gotten to the peak, they had lost the taste of what it means to live. They were frustrated and depressed. Suicide was an option, an escape route. In fact, the best option for them!

Do you know committing suicide is not just a decision one takes in 24hours? It is a decision one takes after many years of hardship, suffering, hunger, loneliness, pain, neglect, etc., as the case may be.
But, I still find it difficult to blame them sometimes. When they were craving for help, care and attention, when they needed the “don’t give up” words, and a little assurance that “everything will be okay”. When they needed a smile and someone to encourage them, no one was ready to help, no one was available. We were all busy with a thing or the other. Now the deed is done and we are all set to apportion blame. We are all ready to point them as hell bond.Probably they were reclusive, but even if they’d open up about their predicaments, would you have cared?

Suicidals are wicked, heartless and it’s a foolish decision to commit suicide, I know! But do you know how many smiling faces are depressed within? Do you even care to know? Do you know how many lives you would have saved if you had just given them your “little” attention to see beyond that smiling face and know that something is wrong?
People commit suicide because they know so little about themselves, thy have no idea what and who they were meant to be in Christ, but who is ready to shed the light of truth to them?

Instead of blaming those who are gone, can we just apply that same energy, intelligence and time to help and encourage those who are still alive and might be contemplating on giving it up and throwing in the towel completely?
I know with the current situation of the country, you care less about others but that little attention, that little care, the little act of love, those few words of encouragement can change minds. They can reverse that action, they can heal a broken soul and make a wounded heart stop bleeding.

We ignore these facts and apportion blames on the victims.
People nursing depression will NEVER talk about it for fear of what I don’t know…
But if everyone is observant of their neighbors enough, we can always see it in their face and in their actions.
Let us stop trying to fix what isn’t broken and concentrate on what’s beneficial for humanity (love and care).

Always demonstrate kindness to everyone around you(Maybe we always expect a pay back that’s why we find it hard to help others in our own little way).
See it as an opportunity and a necessity to help. We are meant to help each other.
May God help us to be there for each other and save all those who are downcast in spirit..

Photo Credit: picturequotes.com

Waiting On God 

#WaitingonGod

Their marriage was a marriage everyone admired. They love each other and were more than partners; you would think they had the same blood flowing in their vein. Love united them that much.
But there was a problem, She couldn’t conceive. All medical attempts proved abortive and Elkanah’s parents mounted pressure on him for a grandchild.

“Neither me or Hannah can make babies. Let’s just hold on and I believe she will bare my child(ren).” He would often tell his parents.
When the pressure of a grandchild was too much, Elkanah almost lost faith that Hannah would ever conceive, cause they had spent a lot on Hannah and there was no change or sign of her conceiving.

“I’ve heard you mother. I would take another wife.” Elkanah said to his mother who had called him to advice him about taking another wife.
“There’s nothing wrong in having more than a wife. Do you want to go to the grave without a son to carry on all this wealth?” Elkanah’s mother had told him and he thought deeply about it for he was very rich.

When he got home, he told Hannah about his plan to get another wife. Hannah felt bad, but due to her nature, she consent to it “bring her in to bare for you. I will take her in as my sister and her children as mine.” Hannah assured Elkanah and they both wept on each other shoulders.
“Thank you for understanding me” Elkanah whispered tearfully.

Elkanah soon found a lady, Peninnah. 10months into the marriage and she already had a son. Peninnah used this against Hannah and called her names and each time their mother-in-law came to visit, she’ll carry Peninnah’s baby and sing songs to provoke Hannah. But she always kept her mute and whenever she told the matter to Elkanah, he never bothered to do anything about her report.

Hannah was broken. She became depressed and year after year she kept praying and hoping for a miracle, but there was nothing to show for her prayers. She could see and feel her husband attention being fully diverted to Peninnah and her son.

Two years later and Peninnah was pregnant again. Soon she had another baby boy and this added to Peninnah’s portfolio of “The Good Perfect Wife.” Everyone, including those in the neighborhood now looked spitefully on Hannah, for some of them had once said “the problem of their barrenness might be from Elkanah But now, Peninnah has two sons by that same Elkanah.

The shame and spite from everyone made life unbearable for Hannah, but she didn’t loose hope. She always believed she would carry a child in her womb and give birth to healthy babies.
It was always her prayer at the annual conference in the head quarters of her congregation.

On this particular conference, on the last day of the conference, Hannah had knelt on the altar when the Church was almost empty and whispered words that no one could hear. Everyone that passed by felt she was crazy or maybe she had taken a strong drink and it made her act like that. But Hannah was silently praying and ignored their words.

Few months later, Hannah felt feverish and occasionally weak. No one could have thought she was pregnant; not even Hannah herself. When the fever got worst, Elkanah took her for a check up and it was confirmed that Hannah was pregnant.
Hannah’s joy knew no bounds and she gave thanks to God for answering her prayers
“for a child I prayed and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of him.”

Few months later, she had a cute, strong and healthy baby boy after many years of waiting and she named him Samuel.

Hannah was blessed with 3sons and 2daughters and she eventually had more children than Peninnah.

The Lord is always near to those who trust in Him. The Lord maketh poor and maketh rich: He bringeth low and lifted up.
He will keep the feet of His saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; FOR BY STRENGTH SHALL NO MAN PREVAIL.

Hold On(Sometimes In August)


Sometimes in August

Even though I’m timid and hate to open up and admit some things, I just have to let this one out.

I recall the excruciating pain that kissed me “Happy August!” Knowing fully well that there was nothing to be happy about in pain. I reluctantly gave my cheeks to be kissed and watched silently how it taunt and hurt me in the most annoying way.
I’m not a stranger to pain, but this one held me down so strong and I was between life and death. For a moment in my health journey, I understood pain defers from pain just that it answers the same name.
I had deceived myself a long while ago that “tears is for weaklings” so I didn’t cry and no one really understood the gravity of what I was going through.

I remember writing “I’m walking through the valley of the shadow of death” on my Facebook timeline and only a few bothered to ask what I meant by that.
You see, until you’re tried with what you thought you’ve overcome, you will always believe it can never weigh you down or get at you anymore.
And not until you loose some things, you will never appreciate the value of it because you’ll always take it for granted.

I lost my wholeness to pain for a whole week and some days and it was only then It dawned on me and I understood I am enjoying a supernatural inner health despite the physical health that seems to look bleak.
I felt what it means to be far from the fountain that flows to satisfy my soul and I crawled back to it grateful for all it springs forth, not minding the emptiness my mind and laziness had lured me to believe.

My testimony though, I learnt to be grateful for the little things and I’ve been counting since then till now, over a month and I haven’t tasted those pills that I’ve been placed on for years and I’m doing really great without it(them)! Not like it was effective or it eased me completely of what I use it for daily, but the fear of ‘whatever’ gripped me didn’t make me miss a dose. It was crazy! This isn’t by my understanding or by my faithfulness, but by Grace. I don’t know why God loves me so.
Looking back at it now and I’m grateful!
If you’re healthy and living your life without any medical aid and you still rant about life, you don’t know what you’ve got! You don’t even know the privilege you’re blessed with!

Dear One,
No matter what you’re going through and how far away hope seems, just hold on and see beyond the bleakness.
Even though it seems like you see little or no changes in that situation that has kept you on your knees for eons, just believe that: beyond that frowning providence, God hides a smiling face with a timing more favorable and glorious than yours.

#keepyourcool
#holdon
#believeinlittlebeginnings
#grateful
Photo Credit: Pinterest

 

Happy New Month 

Each morning comes with renewed hope, another chance and a great opportunity to do better than we did yesterday.
Make each day count!
Live each day with hope!
See greatness in every thing you do!
Believe more in God and never loose up no matter how frail the circumstances are; God is always a prayer away!

Welcome to September!
God love and protection is sure over our lives.
I love you all!
Happy New Month!!!

Save A Child

You stared at that scar again
You’ve always observed it with so much gaze
“What could have caused you a visible scar in such a place?”
You asked
I only smiled in reply

You walked closer to feel it this time
“It’s smooth to the touch” you said
“But how come with such a scar that’s so bold beside your eyes?
Maybe it’s a bacteria or a form of skin infection” you concluded
“I don’t really know” I retorted

But all the while I kept staring at you
Images flashing through my mind like a thriller through you
“You had asked who took what you kept here?”
I told you the truth but you refuse to believe
Yes I do steal cause you hardly feed me
Though I was truthful with you this time but you failed to believe me

In no time, the turning stick became your lance
You used it on me like you were piercing a piece of wood;
More like you were beating an object without feelings.
I wailed and groaned under your lock as you continued mercilessly.
That wasn’t your first time,
But this time you smacked me more gruesomely.
At that moment,
I wished I was with my mum and not with you.

How would I forget going to school the following day;
With my right eye swollen, bruised and black
I could barely see what was beside me save I made a turn
The hoot of a coming car made me freeze
I thought I’d looked carefully enough
But my sight was very poor;
That car almost hit me down but you never knew.

I was just six,
But the picture still sticks
It seems like yesterday, though it’s seventeen years now.
I smiled at your touch on that scar you caused many years ago
I wish you knew the truth about it
I wish you have cared enough to be kind to me
I wish you never maltreated me causing me such pernicious physical and emotional pain
I wish you took me as your daughter and not a mere niece.

To someone out there,
You might have a child in your care
A child you abuse verbally and domestically
The pain you inflict on them makes them shattered
It leaves a lasting scar; not just on their skin, but on their mind.
You might forget;
Of which you’ll eventually do
But that child would never forget
You might see them as nothing today,
But will eventually need them for something important again.

Treat every child right
Every child has a right to be happy and no child is more important than the other.
In Anything you do to a child,
Don’t abuse them in anyway
Let’s save the future of every child from being traumatized

Say no to domestic violence!

Rants Of A Teenager

Do they ever listen?
How I’m sure they really understand my plight?
Is there any sense of empathy in you two?
Do they really care?
Why are you two like this?

I thought you’re my parents;
A place I can go to and rely solely on
I thought you’re friends;
Someone I can trust always
But I got the opposite
I try to believe it’s your busy schedule
But I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I have questions
I need answers
I crave for attention
I want to understand some changes
I need your perspective about issues
But you’re never ready to heed
Maybe it’s a crime to be a teen
A grave disaster to ever grow up with inquisitions

At first, I felt you’re busy
I tried to understand
But it’s now constant
And it’s killing me inside
How can you be too busy for me?
Do I really deserve the silent treatment;
One word one answer for every quest?
Money could fade away;
Business might die down
But I’ll always be here;
Coping and persevering through thin and dark with you
But I don’t think you understand that truth.

Now I try to find a listening ear elsewhere
Trust was what I always feared
But I dared to take that step
And now I’m someone you don’t know;
Someone I wish I knew myself
I found the answers to the quest you should have made ease for me in the hard way
Is this how it ought to be?

I think about my child
I imagine him or her threading this same path
Paths of a teenager who needs answers to their inquisitions
Path that makes us wonder about the changes in our bodies and mind
I imagine him or her seeking answers and attention elsewhere
And I understood what it means to give my time and attention to my child
Too bad you let me learn the hard way!

I Killed A Man 

I had been acting weird
But no one knew my heart had been seared
Not with a spear or an arrow
But by the way I was marred.
My innocence was taken By a man who called himself a father.

I tried to talk to you mummy
I tried to make you understand my shortcomings
But you were always too busy!
“I don’t have much time to talk”
You’ll always retort.
I sat with you in the kitchen
And each time I tried to speak
“His food should be ready already”
Was what you’ll say.

I had come back from school
He was always at home
He started with fingering
And said it was nothing.
I grew older and it got wider
He expanded his horizon
A man who sleeps with a mother and her daughter
It disgusts me
I planned to kill him
Before he gets to my little sister.
If he did defiled me
Though not my biological father, it won’t be a big task to defile her
Who’s biologically his

I tried to get your attention
I tried to make you understand
But you were just too busy
Do you ever listen?
Do you even care?
Do you feel my plight?
Guess you were too occupied to be there
Now I’ve done the forbidden;
I’ve killed a man
Not just a man,
But your husband
The man you always tried to defend
But whom I detest

I had hoped you’ll see the signs
And understand why I always sigh
I’ll shudder at the tiniest slam of the door
But you felt I was possessed by a demon
“He came again last night”
I had said
But you didn’t even listen
Maybe you heard
But just felt to ignore
I made up my mind to kill a man,
Maybe the blindfold will fall from your eyes
And you’ll see more clearly.

“He always tries to sleep with me”
I explained
But you said I was crazy and my father wouldn’t do such a thing to me
“He’s my step-father!”
I exclaimed!
You were never around
And he always had his way
Too late you believed
Only when you saw his unclad lifeless body in my room
I was tired of his continual coming
I’d kept a knife to end the mess
I’ve killed a man
I hope you now believe me.

Parents out there
I know you are busy
You need to make ends meet
But do you have time for us?
We need your attention as much as you need money
We’ll adapt even if your business fails
But we’ll never outgrow the pain of making a mistake you would have helped us avert.

Please take us seriously,
We need your time,
We need you to listen
We need you to explain
We need you to believe
And we need you to understand
Even our very irrational quest.
I’ve killed a man because my mom didn’t believe and she never tried to understand.

Strength; Beyond The Physical Muscle 

Once upon a time, a young man who didn’t see any possibility of being strong enough to fight, threshed wheat in a winepress to hide it from the enemy.
While he was busy trying to get the wheat in a safe place, he saw a man under a tree close to where he threshed and the sight made him quiver. He thought he was an enemy and this made him scared the more.
“How on earth will I fight this man if he happens to be an enemy and if I should let him leave with this wheat, my family will die of hunger.” Those were his thoughts when the man called Gideon and told him how mighty he is.

Those words of mightiness made Gideon chuckle and he talked about his weakness and how lowly he thought himself and his family to be. Little did he know he was speaking with an Angel.
The final assuring phrase from the Angel woke up the strength in him.

For the first time in his whole life he knew he was greater than the physical weak muscle. With this grace, he became bold and what seems like a challenge became a child’s play to him and by this weakling the enemies of a whole nation was stayed.

God is so great that He can use anything and anyone to bring forth His Praise. It doesn’t matter how weak, hidden, cast out or little you are, He can use you for His glory. He can bring you from that low estate and set you above those you once looked up to for help. That is how wonderful His grace is when it speaks for you..
Grace can speak for you and bring you out even in the deepest pit.

Are you going through a tough time and you think God has forgotten you? All He said seems to be a lie ’cause you have waited for eons and you don’t see it coming?
Just wait on Him. Don’t give up yet!
He knows how to confront the mighty things of this world with base things and the all wise challenge is nothing but foolishness to Him.
He loves you and He cares! If it wasn’t for His glory, He wouldn’t permit that challenge.
You are greater than you ever imagined and your miracle is closer than you think.
Always see possibilities in every impossibility and strength in every weakness!