My Experience With The Church

I craved for the uplifting fellowship among brethren. I watch clips every now and then and see people with lifted hands. I see hungry souls, longing to fest on what the pulpit will offer for the day. I observe and I could see the joy in the Minister’s eyes as he beholds the congregation and gives his message, blessings and finally, the benediction.

A tear often playfully dance down my eyes and I sniff in like to control my lids from leaking further. My lids seems to adhere easily. It keeps to itself but begins a big fight in my mind.
“You have been here long enough. You need to join yourself to a congregation and enjoy this sweet sensation that seems to give you an orgasm.”

The struggle, fight and craving of my heart was high. Probably higher than Kilimanjaro and in the high spirit I typed “I want to go back to Church after eight years but I don’t know how to go about it. I love your Church but I’m bothered about my mobility.”

Like she’s been waiting for me to let out those words… She was more set than a goal keeper at the goal post “wow! I’m glad to hear that and I promise to see to it. I want that for you too.”
I blushed. I smiled. I felt fulfilled. My cravings is about to be satisfied through this friend.

I knew my family might kick against it, but I was less bothered. More reason I didn’t let out the thought to anyone even when it warred heavily within me.

Arrangements were made. How she did it I didn’t know. I only know her Pastor and his wife came around, all lovely with their kids. I wouldn’t have asked for more. The first decision I ever made without carrying anyone along is about to become a reality. What more could I have asked for. “It will propel me to take more steps and make more decision single-handedly” so I thought.

Mummy had her criticism. “People will look at you and start with their pity-party” she spoke her mind. I knew she wasn’t in support.
“I don’t mind anymore. I’ve been here long enough.” I was so confident and my words surprised even me.

A week became two and the third week, everything was set! I went to Church! A Tuesday evening service. A Bible study!

Mummy had this frown when I was been carried into the car that boldly said “this is one of the stress you refused to consider when you made your senseless decision.” I ignored her. I ignored everyone passing by and I got to Church only to realize I’ll be handed over to another Pastor I’ve always seen passing by my house that I never knew could be a Pastor.

Bible study was fine and they prayed for me after the service. Oh I miss this prayer life in the Church!

The Pastor that brought me to Church was back to pick me and himself and his wife were patiently waiting outside. Now I’m in care of two Pastors. Both wives seem to be loving. They helped me through the steep paths and assisted me into the car which literally means: they carried me like a baby into the car.”

On our way home they told me my chair was already there and it wouldn’t make much sense carrying the chair away from there. “They are good people and I’ve talked to them about you” Pastor and his wife encouraged me, but all the while what kept ringing in my mind was “I told mummy not to tell my brothers to take the chair there. I didn’t know the Church they were heading, not like I knew anywhere either but I warned her to wait for the Pastor before taking the chair anywhere. Now I will be under someone else.”

The sight of my house, where I also call my prison house jeered me back from my thoughts. Mummy was all smiling seeing the car. Big sis and her kids were outside and Pastor asked if I knew my big sister. I smiled and told him who she is to me and funny enough, Pastor and big sister knows each other too well. I thanked them and left them with my big sister has I made my way inside, leaving them to catch up with each other.

Mummy asked how the service went and I made her realize I couldn’t have asked for more. She seems happy, same with me too. Who wouldn’t be satisfied after a craving desire is fulfilled? Well, maybe those who attempts suicide and succeed. I don’t know what satisfaction they derive.

Plans were made and I had to get some clothes. I had clothes, but they were all indoor wears, none of fitting for outdoor activities except the one I wore to Church that Tuesday and the one I just got thinking I’ll be attending my brother’s wedding.

Life is always filled with surprises for everyone. I never knew I would go to Church this year. Every signal in my body boldly says “it’s impossible!” but here I am sitting with brethren listening with rapt attention to the sermon. It wasn’t as moving or great as I had envisaged, but at least I’m there and it can only get better. Maybe. Just maybe.

******************************

I couldn’t cope with mid-week service, so I vouched for Sunday service alone. During the process of going back to Church, I had gone back to the hospital too. “Enough of staying indoors” was the mojo that propelled me.

I went to Church the next Sunday and the next after that, but my hospital visit a Thursday to my fourth Sunday in Church was stressful. It took a while to recover from the stress and to stand back on my feet took a while. I called in that I won’t be in Church that Sunday. Why stress them to come over on a Sunday morning when I know I won’t be able to follow them to Church? They agreed and came around to pray for me after the service.

My supposed fourth Sunday in Church was cancelled and I looked forward to the fifth Sunday. I had called on Saturday that they can come over to pick me, I’m strong enough. But Sunday upon Sundays and many more Sundays till date, I haven’t seen them. I see the Pastors I was handed over to, always passing by my house every time and it seems I didn’t deserve even a “Hello” from both couple. I felt dejected! That’s an understatement though, I felt worse than dejected. I felt anything terrible than dejection and it played a great role on my mind and in my walk of faith. I collapsed on the path!

I couldn’t walk out of this path of faith ’cause I know how sweet it is, but my feet was stuck to my heels, I couldn’t move.

“What Church rejects people due to their inadequacies?” I queried myself, but before assuming and concluding on this mirage, I sent the Pastor who handed me over a message and he was so sorry, but couldn’t do much about it. ‘I was already in another Church and it might create much hush tones that he won’t be comfortable with’ my thoughts though, because he only kept saying “it is well!” It can only be well though.

Myself and the first Pastor do chat often; more like everyday, but I’m yet to see the Pastor I was handed over to. I understand he doesn’t have an internet accessible phone, but a simple “Hello” would have done a lot of magic on my Phleg-Mel mind.

It’s over now, but what notion did this experience create on my mind? “I now see the Church as a place where only the wealthy and healthy are welcomed.”

How true can this be? “I experienced a total dejection from a Church that serves as a parish to one of the big Names in Nigeria Church history. But I still have my objection though, “I haven’t tried every Church and or parish, so I won’t conclude and that won’t stop me from loving the Church when all these is over. ”

The Church is a place for solace and love, plus attention, but the way some congregation place Christianity as a place for the PERFECT ONLY is uncalled for.
That poor man that just walked into your Church might be the next big thing in the world that just needs an uplift in faith and probably a little support to start with.

That woman being wheeled in every Sunday might be the next success story. Her testimony might lead many to Christ. Her healing might delay, but in the process, make every other member of the Church strong in faith.

My experience in the Church almost made me conclude I’ll never have anything to do with the Church again even when I’m healthy enough to walk into any Church of my choice, but what sense will it make?

If your Church isn’t impacting you, speak to your legs and find another Church. It is not a sin to change your Church.
“Many are called, but few are chosen.” Understand your Church leader and see the fruit in him/her, if it doesn’t glorify God, it’s time to make a move… But true it all, never forsake the fellowship of brethren and have a faith filled heart controlled by Christ even as you serve and walk with Christ daily.

Once In Misery I Walked

Once in misery I walked alone,
Self-sufficient but sad,
But I found a friend to walk with me,
And I tell you: I’m glad!

When I came to Him; Christ came to me,
Showed me what He planned that I should be;
I was liberated there and then,
O I’ll never be the same again!

In the ruins of my life I stood,
I was drowning in tears,
But I found a friend to stand by me,
And I lost all my fears.

Discontented with a pointless life,
For direction I sighed;
Life has point and purpose now for me,
Since I made Him my guide.

I just love the lyrics of this hymn “Once In Misery I Walked” by John Gowans

The Place Of Prayer 

Mouth closed;
Hands folded;
Eyes brawling;
Mind ranting;
Body in despair;
We cringe,
It taunts
And we apportion blames.
But through it all,
The place of prayer we never sought.

Merry Christmas 


Christ came to save
Making His love to stay
Not just for this day
But everyday to remain.

Came as a little infant
Laid in that manger
From birth
The path of humility He paved.

All for love He came
To bring redemption to reign
Illuminating every darkness
The joy of salvation He made.

Not just for a soul
Neither for a while,
But forever to every heart who believes
That He came for all to save.

Merry Christmas To You!

Times Like These

In times like these;
When everything is odd
And life seems like a toil
When all hope seems lost
And every help seems gone,
It’s meant to be
And you’re meant to overcome
If you couldn’t handle it
God wouldn’t have allowed it.

It’s for a season,
A reason;
To make you grow
And to help you glow;
To scale through
Just like every Patriarch,
To learn from their experience
And see the trials of our faith
As something unique,
A Precious gem.

It was meant to make you stronger
And to bring out your testimony
As a light
And a reassurance to every heart;
Every heart out there
That needs an assurance of hope.

You are greater than your hurts
Shake it off and remember
Times like these never last
It’s just for a while
And this time will pass
And your appointed time will surface.
Keep being strong….

A Young Girl Wish For Christmas 

Dear Lord,
I thank you for bringing me this far in 2016. Though I don’t have a reasonable clothe neither do I have any shoes but my wish for Christmas is that:
You do something new in my life that is beyond human reasoning and that you bless my Family and make us strong in you and more so that you bless every eyes that might mistakenly read this and meet their heart desires and heal the pain in their hearts that words cannot utter.

I hope the postman gets this to you soon. But I know you are reading over my head. Now can you hasten it to perform it? I know you will and I bless you for that.

Much Love From Your Best Friend and Daughter

A New Hope 

Dear Depression,

Thank you for coming into my life and changing my initiative about some things. You played a great role in helping me understand myself and what I can gain from solitude.

I still thank you for the times you made me understand someone’s feelings. Thank you for the times you made me realize how much pain someone can go through with depression. No! I’ll never see someone nursing depression and think they are acting silly. I understand their plight and I can feel the taunt they suffer from you from a distance.

You showed me how strong I can be. But I have to say this “your time is up!” You were a good friend, so I thought until I knew you were a fiend in disguise.

You know, I have suffered enough sleepless nights where I contemplate my life. I am tired of soiling my pillows with tears of the silent cry from the pain.

Enough of the cuts I make to let the frustration out. Enough of the overdose that turned to an addiction. Enough of making me ignore the people that loves me.

Like a lover who is stressed out of their partner hurt, I stand my ground ready to let go of you completely. I know you might see this as a joke and think I can’t do without you. Well, now I know that is the lie you have always used to tie me down and blind me from the truth.

I can do without you! I have opened up to a friend you made me loathe so much. I let Him in and I gave Him the keys. Even though I never wanted to hear His name(all thanks to you), I have found love and true solace in Him.

I’m fine now and I don’t need your help. Not like I found an escape route once again, but this time, I found a comfort zone, a place of true peace and tranquility.

I saw you raising your head and peeping in a while ago. I felt I should let you in. But then I recall the keys were not with me.

Just today, I saw you pass by. You hardly give up on your victim huh? I’m glad to say this “You can’t get this victim back!” Mount up your forces and come against me with all your might, I’m not scared neither bothered. My heart has been renewed from nursing fear.

Now I can open up to love again. I can love those two love me without any ought. I know I will find someone who will look beyond the scars and hurts that you left behind and all your lies of “no one can love you like this” will be buried in truth.

I know it’s hard to say ‘goodbye’ but with all my heart and all I have I say it out loud “Goodbye Depression!”
I don’t hope to have you around ever again!

Your former lover Fikayomi

Let It Go 

*LET IT GO*

My little niece picked up an almost empty tin of jam and ran away with it. In a bid to stop her from consuming the little in the tin, her mum showed her the new and full one and stretched it to her maybe she will release it but she held on to it and started crying for the new one without letting go of the other one.

As I laughed at her, it dawned on me that we are sometimes like my niece running helter skelter with our troubles, holding on to it even when God says *”let it go”*

Most times we hold on to past pain, anger, setbacks and what have you and we keep praying for a Change while we can’t still let go of the former in our hearts.

You might have been wondering why you have what you desire at sight but can’t get a hold of it, God is calling out to you and asking you to let go of what you’re holding on to to have a better one.

You can’t mix old wine with the new, it will only mess up both and make it of no use.
See, *”There is no place of greatness for anyone who doesn’t strives to improve.*

What is it that you have been holding on to for so long?

It’s time to let go and pick up a better one that God is pointing you to.

Let it go!

#KPIFAMILY

Potency Of Love

Love;
It reaches down your soul;
Gladdens your spirit
Eliminate your fears
Brings hope alive
And births a new YOU.

Love;
Never can you deny its power,
Nor its euphoria be ignored.
Its existence can never be shunned;
‘Cause even when you think it’s gone,
It raise up its head to say “I was once here.”

Love;
See how far a little of it can stretch;
How deep it can search;
Just how high it will mount
And How farther it can soar
When given a chance into that Heart.

Apologies  To My Younger Self 

Dear Younger Self,
It’s been a while I wrote you last. I know you might have been wondering what’s up with me.

Well, I have been feeling guilty. Guilty for all the promises we made back then that I haven’t been able to fulfill.

I’ve always wanted my next note to you be filled with all the fulfilment of dreams we both had. But I don’t want to keep postponing it.

See, so many things happened that even if I try to explain, my explanation will never suffice. It might eventually turn out as many empty, flimsy excuses.

Like I said, it’s a “Letter Of Apology!”

I’m sorry I failed to be a graduate at age 20.
I’m sorry I didn’t study nursing like we both aspired to.

I’m sorry I didn’t get married at age 22 like we both planned. See, I got to understand so much about that word called “Marriage” our parents must have had to do a lot of research to stick to each other that much or maybe they feigned it just for a ‘make believe’ to us their kids.
I’m still not sure about relationships yet. I’m not sure if I’m scared or maybe I just can’t make any sense out of it or maybe, it’s not yet time.
Believe me, it’s the least thing on my mind right now and I need you to forgive me double on that.

I’m sorry I didn’t live up to our dream of becoming like Stella Obasanjo in look and in achievements. I realized I can only be ME and I don’t need to be like anybody else.

I’m sorry I forgot about our dream to have a Foundation, an organization; just something for the less privilege kids and orphans at age 24. I know this was our greatest goal. But I messed it up bae! I was carried away by life’s storm and it had a hard toll on me.
Though lately something has been waking up that goal within me. After each “Thank you Father!” every morning, my heart draws to “That Child” that needs love and care somewhere. I pray for “That Child” and hope they remain strong.
I see every child as my own and I feel their pain to a fault I always defend them when they are blamed or judged unduly.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to live up to our plans. All we planned and dreamed of became as nothing because I loosed sight of it.

Sorry for the things I never said.
Sorry for the people I never loved.
Sorry for the time I was weak.
Sorry for being timid for so long.

Dear, I hope you understand and pardon me. You just have to see what life had turned out to be.
Not like I’m trying to apportion blames or give excuses, but growing up and living our dreams is more than what we thought it was back then.

Life is filled with surprises dear and it always unfold what it has for us gradually.
I was an ‘eejit’ for revolving in a circle and brawling over each surprises that unfolds without seeing a need to pick the good in it and move on.

Life is beautiful, but I didn’t understand because it always turns the dark side to me. Well, so I thought!

I realized I can move on and be what I want to be if I could only muster the courage to believe. Life wasn’t that hard after all and we can scale through every challenge it brings our way.

It’s like a puzzle that we have to take our time out to fix. We have to pick some and drop some because it doesn’t fit in.
It’s somehow tiring and it gets boring especially when you have a big picture to fix. But in the end, it’s always beautiful and orderly though the fixing and arranging takes time.

Life leaves us with a quest to solve and brings a riddle to sort out every now and then.
We just have to keep sailing and know that life goes on despite its difficulties.

I believe my next note to you will be filled with many good tidings and most of our dreams and the ones you know nothing about will have come to fulfilment.

I hope you understand my reasons for not writing to you for a long while.
Thank You for understanding and most importantly, Thank You for teaching me to be strong from my early years.

I still love you and that love is pushing and motivating me to do more to see you fulfilled.

Your Matured Self
Fkayomi